


Rubble

by thesignofholmes



Category: BBC Sherlock, Sherlock - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2015-05-04
Packaged: 2018-03-29 00:00:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3874858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesignofholmes/pseuds/thesignofholmes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim has never really been a compassionate man, but a stupid, ridiculous argument and too much drinking changes that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rubble

Week One

It had all started with an argument. Everything. It all started with one stupid argument. Jim couldn’t even remember what the argument was about, something to do with a job…maybe…But it had escalated and escalated, awful things being screamed across the living room, doors being slammed and objects being thrown. Neither of them had meant a word of it, of course. Sebastian telling Jim that he was a freak, that he deserved all the nightmares and Jim telling Sebastian that if he really wondered why his family had left him he was an idiot. 

Sebastian had given in first, stormed out of the flat and swung the door shut so hard it felt like the walls were going to crumble around Jim, and leave him in a pile of rubble, crushing the life out of him. It did, in a way. For a long while, Jim had just stood in the centre of the living room, hands curled into tight fists by his sides and his shoulders set, though they rose and fell quickly with each sharp breath as he stared at the door as if Sebastian was going to walk right back in. He didn’t, he didn’t come home for a long while, and Jim ended up going to bed. He didn’t sleep though, he lay curled on his side with red eyes, staring at the other side of the bed. 

The next morning, Jim woke up with a head ache. He reached out to the other side of the bed out of habit, but his fingertips didn’t meet skin like they usually would, and that made him remember. The Irishman sighed and rubbed at his face before slipping out of bed. He pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of cotton pyjama bottoms and shuffled out of the bedroom, running his fingers through his mussed hair. 

He half expected, or half hoped, to find Sebastian sprawled out on the sofa like he usually was after an argument. Unfortunately, the half of him that didn’t expect to see Sebastian there was correct, and the living room was empty. Jim sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose briefly before he crossed the room to the kitchen, where he started making himself a mug of coffee. 

It wasn’t like it was the first time he’d woken up without Sebastian. He often sent his sniper out on jobs that could take up to two weeks at a time, but he’d never woken up and not known where he was or what he was doing, or if he was coming back. 

He’d come back. Surely, he’d be home when he wanted a drink.

Coffee in hand, Jim turned to go and get ready, when he heard a key slide into the lock on the front door. He paused and stared as the door was gently pushed open and Sebastian stepped inside, his eyes instantly meeting Jim’s. 

“…Hi.” He murmured, and Jim instantly knew that he’d been drinking by the way his voice slurred slightly, low and gruff. 

Sebastian stepped inside, his head dipped and his shoulders hunched a little as he shut the door beside him. Jim just shook his head and turned, walking back down the hall to the bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him. 

Sebastian sighed quietly and put his keys on the table before walking through the living room and down the hall, gingerly following his boss into the bedroom.  
-  
Jim sat on the edge of the bed, his mug on the bedside table with his hands in his lap, looking up at Sebastian with eyes that were uncharacteristically soft, his lips thinned into a line. 

Sebastian watched him for a moment, before sighing and joining him on the bed.  
-  
They made up quickly. Sebastian wrapped his arms around Jim and told him he was sorry, kissed his hair and temple and cheek, jaw and neck, stroking his fingertips over his thighs and arms whilst Jim stubbornly stayed still, keeping his eyes down and his jaw set tight. Eventually, he gave in and went limp against Sebastian’s touches, tilting his head to the side and sighing quietly before he kissed him, let the blond lie him back against the cushions and crawl over him. Jim’s arms curled around his neck to keep him close, and just as he was about to rock his hips up, Sebastian pulled away, murmuring more apologies as he kissed his neck.  
And quickly, everything was okay again. 

-

Week Two

 

Life went on as normal, and the argument was near enough forgotten. Jim slept in Sebastian’s arms and when he stretched out his fingers in the morning, they met warm skin and he shuffled close again, hiding his face in his neck, breathing him in and humming.

A few days passed and the bliss soon faded away. Jim realised that they hadn’t been intimate since the argument. In fact, whenever something started, Sebastian would pull away, smile and go off to do something, like shower or clean his guns. He rarely let himself do nothing.

It worried Jim, but he didn’t mention it. Of course, it could just be that Sebastian wasn’t in the mood, which was rare but not unheard of. But then again, it could be something a whole lot worse. 

A few more days pass and Sebastian works a lot more, even goes out on a “personal job”. 

One night, Jim finally questions him. 

They’re on the sofa, Sebastian hovering over Jim like he had been when he came home that morning, kissing him and pressing against him, and when Jim’s hands slip beneath his trouser line, Sebastian seems to tense, his breathing catching as he pulls back. 

Jim groans quietly, and can’t let that one go. “For fuck’s sake, Sebastian-“ He growls, opening his eyes and looking up at him, his brows furrowing. 

The blond, a little breathless from kissing for so long, frowns and tilts his head, as if he didn’t realise what he had done. 

Jim sits up, propping himself on his hands and pushing Sebastian away “What the hell is wrong with you?” He spits, straightening his shirt. He gets wound up so tight when he’s with Sebastian, and whenever he pulls away, he feels rejected and abandoned and he can’t keep letting it go.

Sebastian suddenly looks worried, his brows brought together and his eyes nervous. “I…”

“You haven’t let me touch you for days, Sebastian.” Jim interrupts, “Not since…” He shakes his head and folds his arms across his chest, sighing through his nose and sitting upright in the sofa. 

He can see Sebastian watching him out of the corner of his eye, and refuses to look back. He keeps his eyes down and his jaw set tight. 

Eventually, the blond sighs and shuffles, sitting next to him. Sebastian rubs his brow and then runs his hands through his hair. Finally, Jim looks, peering at him out of the corner of his eyes. When he sees how damn torn up his second in command looks, Jim tilts his head down and his frown lessens fractionally “…Seb?” He murmurs. 

Jim sees a muscle in Sebastian’s jaw jump as he takes a deep breath through his nose and sits up straighter. 

“Sebastian, what’s wrong?” Jim prompts, frowning again.

“…When I left the other night, when we argued…” Sebastian begins after a long pause, Jim feels his stomach twist into knots, his chest becoming tight. Sebastian pauses again, takes a deep breath and continues. 

“I went to a pub…I don’t even know where, I just drove for ages and ended up at this pub…I drank for a while, probably more than I should have, and…” 

Jim just stares at him, looking at him with wide eyes, his jaw still set tight.

“Okay…” He murmurs simply, urging him to keep going, because he can feel his heart racing and he wants to know what the fuck Sebastian did.

Sebastian’s foot bounces once or twice and he takes a deep breath that trembles on the way in. 

“I’m sorry, Jim…” 

“Sebastian, what did you do?” He asks, his voice a low growl.

He sees Sebastian swallow, like it takes some effort. 

“There was this man…he was as drunk as I was, and…”

“You fucked.” Jim clarifies, nodding a little and standing up. He can feel his heart pounding in his chest, a ringing in his ears, but there is no change in his expression.  
He keeps his back to Sebastian, running his hand over his jaw and taking a deep breath.

Sebastian nods very slightly and takes a deep breath, dipping his head forward.

“We….we were drunk…really drunk, and I wasn’t sure if we…used protection, I couldn’t remember…” He murmurs, and suddenly everything gets worse. The world spins, his throat closes up and his heart all but stops.

Turning to face Sebastian with wide eyes and parted lips, he takes a long, slow breath. Sebastian’s eyes are down, refusing to look at him, his hands tight by his side.

“When I went out the other day…on that personal job…I,” He shakes his head and huffs a breathy laugh, as if he’s being ridiculous “I went to the…the doctors. Just to be safe, y’know?” His voice is barely more than a whisper, his eyes on the floor.

Jim can hear what he’s saying, but the words don’t go in. They’re muffled, barely audible over the sound of his heartbeat hammering away in his ears.  
Sebastian waits for a moment, takes a step closer. 

“They…did a test…”

No. 

Jim should be angry.

Sebastian slept with someone else.

When he speaks again, his voice cracks very slightly, and it feels like the walls are collapsing around him again.

“I’m HIV positive, Jim.”

The weight of the words push down on him, crushing his bones slowly and forcing the air out of his lungs.

-

Week Three

 

After Sebastian told him, Jim just stared. For a long time, his eyes were blank and his shoulders were set still as he held his breath. Sebastian stepped forward and wrapped his arms around him, kissed his hair and apologised as Jim went limp against him, hiding his face in his shoulder and slowly hugging him back, clutching onto his shirt and holding him close. 

During the week, nothing changed. Jim was more understanding when Sebastian didn’t even feel like kissing him sometimes, and when Sebastian was out, he’d research his disease, look in to treatment and different hospitals, trying to find which one was best for Sebastian.

“It says here that one of the first people to be diagnosed in London is still alive…and that was in 1982.” He said the words just as Sebastian walked through the door, and they instantly sounded wrong on his tongue. Sebastian has HIV.

“H-He…”

Sebastian cut him off by kissing his cheek and closing the laptop.

-

When Sebastian eventually started kissing Jim for long periods again, when he didn’t feel so disgusted with himself, Jim made sure that neither of them got far gone enough for it to be uncomfortable when they stopped. Eventually, Sebastian started to relieve Jim with his hand or mouth again, but would never let the Irishman do the same for him.

-

Week Four

Sebastian started showing signs of being unwell quite soon. He went to the hospital occasionally, though he never took Jim with him or made a big deal out of it. It was a Wednesday when Jim noticed that he wasn’t eating much, and when he did he grimaced and ended up hurrying to the toilet or the sink and throwing it back up.

When he did, Jim would be right next to him, stroking his hair back from his face and helping him clean up, whispering soothing words to him as he hunched over, taking deep breaths.

He carried on working, refused to sit around the house and just let himself waste away. Jim agreed, it would be easier if he had a full diary, a busy mind, something to keep him occupied. Jim knew that if he had too much time to think, it would be a lot worse.

-

Week Five

Whenever they were intimate, Jim knew that Sebastian was paranoid. His touches were light and shaky, as if the disease could be passed on to Jim just by being near him.

After a while, they were close to sleeping with each other again, until the condom broke and Sebastian panicked, pushing Jim away and murmuring a chain of ‘No’s'. Jim was next to him on the bed immediately, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and stroking his hair like Sebastian did with him when he had nightmares.

“Shh, Seb, it’s okay, it’s alright, Tiger.” He whispered, pressing kisses into his forehead and hair.

It broke Jim’s twisted heart when Sebastian apologised, his broke broken and gruff as if he was going to cry.

The next day, Sebastian is quiet and slips out of the flat for work without waking Jim. Jim, worried, ends up calling him a couple of times, but it goes straight to voice mail, and by the time Sebastian finally comes home, Jim has memorised:

“Hello, this is Sebastian Moran. If you have this number, you should be seeing me pretty soon anyway, but leave a message if it’s urgent.” 

Sebastian walks through the door, putting his keys on the table and rubbing at his brow “Hi, Boss.” He says quietly, looking and sounding utterly exhausted.

Jim stands up, closes the space between them and wraps his arms around his waist. Sebastian’s started losing weight now, he feels smaller in Jim’s arms, like he might break if he hugs him to tight. The sniper wraps his arms around Jim’s neck and presses his lips into his hair, breathing him in.

“I gotta sleep…” Is all he says, his voice a little slurred.

Jim nods, takes his hand and leads him through the flat into the bedroom. Sebastian kicks off his boots and manages to shimmy out of his jeans, but when he sits on the edge of the bed, exhaustion seems to consume him, and he just sits with his eyes shut and his head tilted forward a little, breathing slowly, as if he’s going to fall asleep right there.

Jim crouches down by his feet, slips his coat over his shoulders gently and then starts undoing his shirt. It’s all happened so quickly. Sebastian is fading too fast and Jim knows he’s not going to last another thirty years like some people do. He’s not just lost weight, he’s skinny now, most muscle gone, his skin a little discoloured and bones that shouldn’t even be visible are far too prominent.

Jim stops sending him to work after that.

-

Week Six

Sebastian’s immune system is all but gone. He develops a cough that racks his body, shaking his bones and forcing its way out of his throat painfully. It keeps him awake at night, so he starts to look even more ill, like he’s already rotting away. Jim’s has to start helping him into the bath, and Sebastian starts getting more irritable, shouting or crying over how useless he is, how he wishes it would just hurry up and kill him.

That scares Jim even more.

When Sebastian gets frustrated like this, he turns to drink. He’s always drank a lot, but it’s nothing compared to this. The doctor says he shouldn’t, but a good scotch or whisky is one of the few things Sebastian enjoys any more.

The blond spends a lot of time sleeping, sprawled out on the sofa with a heavy throw and Jim usually tucked under one arm like a teddy bear. Jim lies with him, but rarely sleeps. He breaths in his familiar smell, strokes his chest and jawline affectionately, mapping out every curve and scar and freckle while he can.

It’s dragging out painfully, and Jim still hasn’t caught his breath. He’s being crushed beneath the rubble of the building, his heart near to stopping and his lungs aching for oxygen.

-

 

Week Seven

“I’m…s-sorry, Jim.” Sebastian sobs, hiding his face in Jim’s shoulder, his body trembling in Jim’s arms. He’s so small now, he no longer fits comfortably into Jim’s arms, all bones and hollows and strange curves.

“It’s o-“

“DON’T say it’s okay, Jim!” He near yells, his jaw set tight and his eyes wide, they’d be furious and terrifying if they weren’t wet with tears. His voice his gruff again, hoarse because of the cough that just refuses to go away. 

“I-If I…hadn’t fucking…slept with that…bloke…none of this would have…happened…”

He chokes, his face going redder as he fails to catch his breath, and tears finally fall freely over his cheeks.

Jim touches his jawline with his fingertips, stroking his thumb lightly under his eyes as he shushes him quietly, kisses tears away from his cheeks and then kisses his forehead and hair.

“Sebastian…” He whispers, cupping his cheek now and making him look at him.

“Calm down, okay? Just breathe, it’s okay. I…I love you.” He murmurs, feeling Sebastian relax slightly under his touch, blinking back tears and nodding, swallowing thickly.  
“I love you, too…” He whispers, and Jim dips his head to press a soft kiss to his mouth.

They’re in bed, Sebastian wearing a t-shirt that now hangs off of his small frame as if he was a coat hanger. Jim is propped up against the pillows, his arm around Sebastian’s shoulders with the taller man’s head on his chest.

When he pulls back, Sebastian keeps his head tilted up, takes a deep breath and sighs before lying his head down again. Jim strokes his fingers softly through thick blond hair which is close to needing a cut.

After a while of silence, Sebastian speaks up again.

“I can’t do this anymore, Jim…” He whispers, his breath warm against the Irishman’s chest.

Jim’s been expecting the words for a while now, but they still hit him like a ton of bricks. His heart starts to thud quickly and he squeezes his eyes shut, grimacing before he takes a deep breath and nods very slightly.

“I know…Seb…” He whispers, his voice barely audible.

Sebastian is strong, always has been. He’s always been the strong one that could come home from a job with a bullet in his flesh and tell Jim to calm down, tell him what to do and how to take the bullet out and patch him up. Sebastian has always been the one that comforts, but not anymore.

“I…I hate being so…fucking useless…” He breaths, his body trembling a little as his arms tighten around Jim’s waist.

“I know…”

“I just want it to end, Jim…I can barely…walk because I slept with a stranger and was too pissed to remember protection…” He chokes, his breath shuddering as he holds back more tears.

Jim just shushes him more, rocks him a little.

“Forgive me…Jim, please…I don’t want to…leave you…”

The words make Jim’s eyes prickle with tears and he quickly blinks them back.

“I do…I forgive you, Tiger…I forgave you weeks ago, okay? It’s okay, don’t…don’t worry about me…”

He gently shifts Sebastian, his weight almost nothing now and easy to move, and lies down, their foreheads together, sharing the same breath, the same life.

“It’s okay…” He whispers softly, stroking his fingertips down Sebastian’s cheek and watching those gorgeous green eyes, still full of light and life.

The blond sighs quietly, closes his eyes and tilts his head.

“I love you.” He whispers. 

“I love you.”

Sebastian huffs a weak laugh “For how long?”

“For always.”

-

Sebastian falls asleep after that. He shuffles close and wraps his long arms around Jim’s waist, pressing light kisses up his chest and collar bone, then his neck and jawline like he used to. Jim smiles, closes his eyes and tilts his head up. When Sebastian hides his face in Jim’s neck, Jim whispers another ‘I love you’ and sighs quietly, tilting his head and stroking lazy shapes over Sebastian’s shoulders, listening to his breathing slow and feeling him relax in his arms as he drifts off to sleep.

It’s unfair.

Jim can’t remember anything being so unfair.

His proud, strong, gorgeous Tiger has been reduced to a creature that struggles to pursue his prey. He’s reduced to a being that now only finds joy in alcohol and the soft touches that his lover provides.

And he isn’t going to last for years like Jim hoped, but he knows that they’re lucky he’s made it this long. Some people don’t last a week.

Jim carries on whispering nice things in Sebastian’s ear, telling him that he’s beautiful and that he forgives him. He thinks about those bright green eyes that always manage to seem like they’re glowing.

-

Jim’s just dozing off when he feels Sebastian slip in his arms.

His eyes snap open and he holds his breath, his skin suddenly going cold as he comes back to attention. Sebastian’s head is still tilted against his chest, and when Jim shifts a little to look at him, his head leans to the side.

Tears wet his eyes as he listens to Sebastian’s breathing fade until there’s nothing there.

Jim tries to swallow the lump in his throat, but when he does it just feels tighter. His hand slips to Sebastian’s cheek and he kisses his forehead gently.

“It’s okay, Seb…” He whispers, giving a soft smile and stroking his thumb over his cheek. “It’s okay…I for-forgive you…I love you…”

Tears fall silently over Jim’s cheeks freely, dripping over his chest and into Sebastian’s hair, which he strokes gently.

He rests Sebastian’s head on his chest and wraps his arm around his shoulders again, holding him close and rocking him gently like he’s helping him sleep, though all he really wants now is to wake Sebastian up.

“It’s alright…y-you haven’t slept well in a while…h-have you? It’s okay, Tiger…” He whispers, his bottom lip quivering “You…get a good…s-sl…”

He chokes out a sob and clutches Seb tighter, as if he could press life back into him.

And if he could, if he could press all of his life into Sebastian, he would.

Sebastian doesn’t deserve this.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so, so much for reading! I really hope you enjoyed it, and I hope that you stick around to read some more of my work!
> 
> I wrote this one a little while ago, and I'm pretty sure the idea came from Pride.
> 
> Thankfully, we never see Jonathan's illness get quite as bad as Sebastian's does, but, well, Mormor doesn't do things by halves, does it?


End file.
